Finish the joke, folks. Ronald is speaking.
Well what an odd first month to the season!
Southampton lose their highly-respected manager and all-bar-one of their best players, yet improve.
Leicester spend very little after their promotion, but immediately take points off the Arse, the bluenoses and – spectacularly – the Mancs.
“Awful, negative” * Norwich lose their expensive No.9 and their other star Dutchman, and somehow turn into an entertaining goal machine.
QPR insist they’ve learnt their lesson after their last relegation, but ‘Arry signs all the same players AGAIN, and they turn in one of the most inept performances I have EVER seen live.
Man Utd ship out their ageing defenders and spend gazillions on new . . . forwards!?
Both Merseyside clubs start their bids for European glory with wins, but domestically find themselves hovering a point or two above the relegation zone.
Celtic are fourth in a one-horse race.
Real Madrid are apparently “in crisis”, as you would be if you’d “only” put eight (EIGHT! Sorry, lambre!) past a newly-promoted side, and are having to make do with Bale, Ronaldo, Rodriguez, Benzema, Kroos & Modric as your forward half of the team.
Staring contests; treating muscle strains with Tesco cheddar; marketing campaigns to sack your own manager; messianically cheering the opposition player who takes two points off your own team, etc., etc.
To quote the unfortunate Plank , “WTF is going on?”
* – Not my words: see one saneshane of this parish a mere five months ago.