The Great British Spill Awards!

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the glorious land of green fields, quaint little towns dappled in the evening sunlight, and chocolate-box cottages full of cottage industry making innovative jams and the like, that is post-Brexit Britain. Make Britain Great Again? Quite unnecessary; we’ve always been Great, one just has to wipe away some of the accumulated grime that’s been blown in from foreign places to see it. But making the Spill Awards Great Again, when so many of you good people have shown a dangerous tendency in the past to side with the Enemies of the People – that’s a plan we can all get behind! So, as the fog machines get to work in the Channel and the tea urn chunters in the corner, pull up a folding wooden chair and don’t get too comfortable.

countryside

This being Britain, don’t you know, it seems entirely appropriate to begin with an apology: due to circumstances beyond my control, or should one rather say another exciting post-Brexit opportunity for improvisation and innovation, this evening’s slideshow presentation has had to be recorded in advance rather than being carried live. Wouldn’t want any slips of the tongue or accidental disparaging of the Ministry for Niceness and Biscuits, would we?

Happy Event of the Year Brexit, obviously, but coming through in a strong second place we have the quintessentially British experience of an underdog storming to an unlikely victory, just like the Leave campaign: Leicester City’s remarkable triumph in the Premier League. And just like Brexit, clearly they’re going to go from strength to strength in 2017.

Hero of the Year Who else but the perfect British gentleman, Sir David Attenborough, and lots of wonderful animals!

Villain of the Year Bloody foreigners, trying to spoil everything for everyone: Putin, the Grim Reaper, Diego Camerón, Donald Trump. Except that he’s our best friend and will definitely offer us an advantageous trade deal! Category cancelled!

TV Show of the Year There could only be one winner, or rather two: if it wasn’t the triumph of honorary Brit Andy Murray at the very British Wimbledon, it had to be the noble exploits of the heroic British athletes at the Rio Olympics, beating everyone except our very bestest friends (and they’re sort of British really) the Americans! Jolly good show!

Film of the Year A fairly even split between a load of films the lady wife and I haven’t seen, some of which look rather foreign, but out in front by a nose is a celebration of another great empire that brought civilisation (and innovative jams) to the rest of the world, Hail Caesar!

And finally, the category you’ve all been waiting for: Album of the Year!

In third position, flying the Union Jack for the distinctively British sound of folky indie rock, it’s Frightened Rabbit with Painting of a Panic Attack.

In second place: yes, she’s Foreign, but so impressed with the heroic drive for British independence that she translated her whole album into English so that it would sell more than five copies: Christine and the Queens and Human Cosiness.

Leading the way, a man who defined the world-conquering and innovative nature of British music for decades, a man whom we’re all going to miss deeply; yes, he had his dodgy moments, like pretending to be an alien and moving to Berlin, but he was always One Of Us really (just remember Victoria Station!). Ladies and gentlemen, the Album of the Year 2016: David Bowie, Blackstar.

Toodle-pip!

23 thoughts on “The Great British Spill Awards!

  1. Hope you like my Union Jack suit a la Tim Brooke Taylor in The Goodies. I think it fits the “traditional yet forward looking” dress code.
    Your sensible reservations about Bowie knocking around with the sausage munching bosh reminds of the most insightful thought provoking comment I have read btl this year, back in January

    “dont know much about bowie but he seemed a nice bloke
    one thing though
    it winds me up to think a british bloke would want to go to bleeding germany to learn about music
    our music has been the best for a long time even if its declined in the last few years
    with idol and that nonsense
    global crap
    be better to go back to being great britain as it was back in the day
    i hope we get BREXIT as it will mean we get better music from english artists”

    • Hope he’s still happy when he realises that the UK gig circuit is fucked and British bands can’t support themselves by touring Europe because they can’t get visas and it’s too expensive,( just as most (even reasonably well known) British bands can no longer get visas to play the US) and it becomes too expensive to make vinyl and probably CDs as well. X Factor might be all he’s got to look forward to.

  2. I think we need an inquiry into the influence of Russian hacking on this year’s results. If I hadn’t wasted time reading about Russian hacking, I might have got round to actually voting this year. Along these lines:

    – No argument with any of the first three categories.
    – I watched some good TV this year – Black Mirror, Fleabag and Flowers especially
    – I’m ridiculous out of touch with films. I believe the only things I saw in the cinema last year were The BFG and Rogue One. Which were both pretty good, but probably unlikely to be elected.
    – Album of the Year – My favourites were Slow Club’s One Day All Of This Won’t Matter Anymore and Away by Okkervil River. I’ve belatedly caught up with a few more via the Festive Spill and elsewhere – Beyonce, Let’s Eat Grandma, Mary Lattimore, Solange, Frank Ocean all sounding good.

    Thanks as ever for putting this together, Abahachi.

  3. As ever, a brilliant, funny and subversive bit of writing from ababachi. If I didn’t get the results I wanted I have only myself to blame, as I failed to nominate. But at least after Brexit we will have an easier task, with a much narrower field to choose from, as our charts and cinemas are free of all those foreigners, and we just have genuine British excellence to choose from. That is how it will be isn’t? And only 78rpm and celluloid will allowed, yes?

    • A good column though. Thanks for putting it together.

      I celebrated with a small bottle of warm pale ale and a slice of gala pie.

  4. Thanks for doing this and sorry I haven’t contributed very much. But looking forward to Frightened Rabbit and Christine and the Queens taking over the world very soon.

  5. Oi mate, why are you rolling that red carpet up? Where’s the Awards party?
    . . .
    What? Really?! Bloody Hell!

    * DsD looks at his watch and wonders if they’ll let him into the Song-Bar at this time of night … *

  6. 2016 – What a disaster. Terrific piece of satire. There shouldn’t be any complaints about the album result for once (although do wonder how much longer The Gruniad is going to keep milking the corpse).

    Perhaps a sporting event category for next time?

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