Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the glorious land of green fields, quaint little towns dappled in the evening sunlight, and chocolate-box cottages full of cottage industry making innovative jams and the like, that is post-Brexit Britain. Make Britain Great Again? Quite unnecessary; we’ve always been Great, one just has to wipe away some of the accumulated grime that’s been blown in from foreign places to see it. But making the Spill Awards Great Again, when so many of you good people have shown a dangerous tendency in the past to side with the Enemies of the People – that’s a plan we can all get behind! So, as the fog machines get to work in the Channel and the tea urn chunters in the corner, pull up a folding wooden chair and don’t get too comfortable.
This being Britain, don’t you know, it seems entirely appropriate to begin with an apology: due to circumstances beyond my control, or should one rather say another exciting post-Brexit opportunity for improvisation and innovation, this evening’s slideshow presentation has had to be recorded in advance rather than being carried live. Wouldn’t want any slips of the tongue or accidental disparaging of the Ministry for Niceness and Biscuits, would we?
Happy Event of the Year Brexit, obviously, but coming through in a strong second place we have the quintessentially British experience of an underdog storming to an unlikely victory, just like the Leave campaign: Leicester City’s remarkable triumph in the Premier League. And just like Brexit, clearly they’re going to go from strength to strength in 2017.
Hero of the Year Who else but the perfect British gentleman, Sir David Attenborough, and lots of wonderful animals!
Villain of the Year Bloody foreigners, trying to spoil everything for everyone: Putin, the Grim Reaper, Diego Camerón, Donald Trump. Except that he’s our best friend and will definitely offer us an advantageous trade deal! Category cancelled!
TV Show of the Year There could only be one winner, or rather two: if it wasn’t the triumph of honorary Brit Andy Murray at the very British Wimbledon, it had to be the noble exploits of the heroic British athletes at the Rio Olympics, beating everyone except our very bestest friends (and they’re sort of British really) the Americans! Jolly good show!
Film of the Year A fairly even split between a load of films the lady wife and I haven’t seen, some of which look rather foreign, but out in front by a nose is a celebration of another great empire that brought civilisation (and innovative jams) to the rest of the world, Hail Caesar!
And finally, the category you’ve all been waiting for: Album of the Year!
In third position, flying the Union Jack for the distinctively British sound of folky indie rock, it’s Frightened Rabbit with Painting of a Panic Attack.
In second place: yes, she’s Foreign, but so impressed with the heroic drive for British independence that she translated her whole album into English so that it would sell more than five copies: Christine and the Queens and Human Cosiness.
Leading the way, a man who defined the world-conquering and innovative nature of British music for decades, a man whom we’re all going to miss deeply; yes, he had his dodgy moments, like pretending to be an alien and moving to Berlin, but he was always One Of Us really (just remember Victoria Station!). Ladies and gentlemen, the Album of the Year 2016: David Bowie, Blackstar.