Lonely Hearts – ‘Spill Challenge

“Step-grandmother, 21, WLTM competent male for fun times. Hobbies include: chainsaw carving; tree felling; rifle shooting; shot-put; strong liquor and crochet. GSOH (usually).”

For a variety of reasons I find myself single again. I will refrain from the “All men are … (insert derogatory term of your choice here) cliché – because that would alienate 90 per cent of my readership. Suffice to say the nice ones are spoken for, or happy as they are. Anyway, your challenge, should you choose to accept it, is to: (1) Write me a humorous Lonely Hearts advertisement (none of that online stuff); (2) Recommend a suitable tune and (3) Tell me an amusing anecdote about your romantic failures. The emphasis is on humour, folks, don’t try to be nice to me, I’m through with nice. (BTW, the video is weird).

49 thoughts on “Lonely Hearts – ‘Spill Challenge

  1. Seeking somebody out there. Preferably not human. An extra tentacle or two might be a clincher. I’m okay with both fission and fusion. Not too thrilled about black holes though interested in energy and dark matter.
    In the early days of the Internet, when bulletin boards ruled I used to sign in as backdoor man, thinking of Doors, Led Zep and Allman Brothers. The result was quite different from what I imagined.
    Women would invariably point me to the “other” part of the group and the number of questions asked by men gave me a swift and unlooked for education.
    Song I’d suggest: Dear Abby by John Prine.

  2. “Nervous wreck seeks amazon millionairess. Skinny, semi-vegetarian, cyclist and librarian. Likes wine, music, films and radio 4. Would like to meet a powerfully-built woman with own hair and teeth. Must love garlic.”

    This was (more or less) the text of an advert I placed in the personal columns of Time Out magazine many, many years ago. It ran for four weeks – even though I only paid for one. The magazine must have enjoyed it anyway. I got five replies. All disputing the description of both the advertiser and themselves. Which seemed odd. One said that she couldn’t feel that strongly about a vegetable. I think she meant the garlic. Some asked for assurances that the phrase “nervous wreck” was a joke. Well – yes, but jokes do tend to be about something. I just noticed the number of ads by women who specified “confident” as a requirement and thought we might as well dispense with any misapprehensions from the start. All pointed out that they were not, in fact, very Xena-like. Which is fair enough. Sporty would have done. The description, not the Spice Girl. Although, obviously that would have been nice.

    Here’s a song by Lucinda Belle that Ali might enjoy.

  3. Lucinda has it about right, I think. Cracked up at “couldn’t feel that strongly about a vegetable”. Last time I tried a dating site profile the site rejected it because it was too honest. I ended up substituting something that could have come out of the mouth of a Miss World contestant “I love children and fluffy animals and all I want is world peace”, or some such. Needless to say, it wasn’t successful!

  4. “Carver fella required for tree feller woman with wood. Emotionally-literate adult Pinocchio ideal; something that lasts without getting wormy and rotten is a good first step. Crochet needles and hooch supplied.”

    Well I ain’t often right but I’ve never been wrong
    It seldom turns out the way it does in the song
    Once in a while you get shown the light
    In the strangest of places if you look at it right

    Keep your chin up, Ali. I was 62 when I met my perfect woman.

  5. Reincarnation of Egyptian ruler seeks history-lover for romantic walks, baths in asses’ milk, and a war with Italy. Must like cats, polyamory and snakes. GSOH essential. Please don’t make any remarks about the size of my nose. Men called Marc need not apply.

    Where to start with my romantic misadventures? There was the time I had an… encounter… with a member of my social circle right after she’d broken up with a friend of mine, and she subsequently made reference to it in a song that has now been immortalised in the Marconium 😛

    My last ex actually introduced me to my current girlfriend-of-over-two years. It subsequently transpired that my ex had a crush on her at the time. Oh, well…

    Once, after I broke up with a girl, I found out she’d been cheating on me. I confronted the guy she had cheated on me with, and it turned out he thought she’d been cheating on him with me… (that was around the time I had a minor meltdown on The ‘Spill – may it rest in peace – back in 2013).

    Honestly my dating history is a trainwreck and my post-PhD plan is to turn it into a sitcom 😛

    As for a song, I have many, many suitable tunes, but here is a particular favourite of mine:

  6. Heterosexual woman, fan of Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, likes gardening and cats, wltm bloke like my sister’s husband. I don’t mean I want to nick him, just that his existence is proof that the kind of bloke I like does exist. Money not necessary, quirks welcomed.

    I’m still waiting for Song Bar Songs about people with very low self-esteem, but in the meantime here’s

    Love Has No Pride by Bonnie Raitt

    (I do realise this may not really help.)

    The first time I went to an OU summer school, I met a man who was incredibly handsome and sexy and he liked me too! So we had sex (and it really wasn’t all that), and when I got home I discovered I had a sexually-transmitted disease. So instead of saying to my husband I must have caught it off a loo seat, I did actually tell him I’d had sex with another man, and that is why I’m divorced right now.

    BUT HOWEVER after a few years of struggle I now find myself with my own house, my own car, three children who are happily settled and enough money for everything I actually need. (Not, perhaps, for everything I want, but nobody needs that). So thank you, second man I ever had sex with.

  7. Hmm, i’m supposed to write you an ad? I’m not much of a writer, i never ever put in an ad or went on a dating site. I’m a hippie and like to meet guys organically. So i’m single too. Once i thought about putting in an ad in the Bay Area paper, something like looking for a Libra guy in Levis. And then i realized that they had to be well over 6′ tall, that they didn’t have kids or want any, and that they were arty. But as far as San Francisco ads go, that is just so boring and i am a boring person. So of course i never placed it. I’d still like the same sort of specs, but the Libra part is pretty negotiable. As for bad experiences, i’ll leave those in the same sort of area he left his, but i won’t be trying to dredge them up.

    Have some Dixie Chicks.

  8. I don’t really have a great deal to add here, never having done dating ads. I was always too shy and withdrawn when I was younger to have the nerve to answer such things. It is one of the reasons why, for years and years I was always unhappy in big social situations without a few drinks or other chemical assistance. Of course, now I am older I am far more confident, but it took me decades to realise that all I’ve ever had to do was just be me.

    When I was 16, some friends set me up on a blind date, because I’d never shown any interest in boys, except as sources of music. He was someone’s shy and withdrawn brother and about a year older than me. As it happens, we got on really well, because we had shared interests in chess and some music, David Bowie in particular. He also liked H.P. Lovecraft’s horror stories and Lord Of The Rings. We stayed friends for a couple of years but there was never any kind of spark between us. Of course, my romantic interests lay elsewhere, and looking back I suspect that his did also.

  9. Gilbert O’Sullivan was the song i couldn’t put my finger on yesterday and finally did. So over the top maudlin it might make you feel things aren’t so bad after all.

  10. “Depressed, destitute, depraved.”

    “Talented tongue, dancing hips.”

    “If you’re looking for love, swipe left”.

    They’ve all worked. All I can say is practice makes perfect and using dating sites is no different,

    “Pleasure, sport, politics, art.” was my last profile description and it was very successful. I don’t have a Tinder account at the moment – I don’t need it right now.

    My therapist suggested I use a dating site:”It’s how people meet these days.” She was right.

    I’ve met some great people via dating sites. I’ve not slept with most of them but I’ve yet to have a bad experience with those I have. This is in contrast to most people – I’ve been lucky. Also, I’ve got very good at using Tinder – practice makes perfect.

    My first dating site experience was brilliant. She’s a writer and will publish a work of fiction loosely based on her experience of the men on Tinder, Match, OKCupid, Badoo, etc. She says the novel was a stream of consciousness but now it’s literature. I believe her she’s smart, seductive with her words..

    We broke up when she discovered I had opened a Tinder account. She was devastated to find me on there – wasn’t she enough? She, of course, had never stopped looking at other men. We laughed. Much honesty was expressed. We got back together when we realised sex was out mutual hobby and we were good at it. We broke up when I realised I wasn’t ready to fully commit to non-commitment. We also lived far apart and she travels a lot – as I do now and I’m a bit of a slut these days.

    She doesn’t bother dating Finnish men anymore. She says foreign men are not always that but they are usually better. I asked her if her next book will be called “Fucking Foreigners”.

    Betty Davis – If I’m In Luck I Might Get Picked Up https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JnKe8V0UQjA


    • Ha ha. Thanks Fuel! I might use one of your profile descriptions. I’ve never used Tinder, but I’ve had two bad online experiences out of two, so far, so very cautious about wading in again. Can I be bovvered? Well, yes, probably … *sigh*…!

      • Hi Ali. Tinder is very addictive. But there is a way to use it. I’ll write some advice that should apply to both sexes but won’t have much chance to do that before Monday. So, wait.

        The worst thing you can do is go crazy on the first day. Believe me, I know. The good thing is – it’s easy to delete the profile and be more circumspect the next time. 😉

  11. Maybe it’s the disparity in age – and, probably, looks – between Fuel and I but I found internet dating to be a complete waste of time. I met some pleasant women and a couple of nutjobs over the five years after my last separation, almost all of whom declined a second date. The one who was keen to carry on meeting also declared she’d done sex, some of which had been great, but she didn’t particularly want to do it again…..
    Absolute luck brought me to my amour (although she reckons we were close in a previous life (some nutjobs are adorable!)).

    • Good to hear we have both adorable nutjobs.

      Ha! It might be an age thing. It might be the age and place I’m living in. Match was good and safe to start with but Tinder is used as a dating site by a lot of Finnish women, even very conservative people are pretty mature about it and accepting of it. It’s just another useful app. Some use it to look for love and the right one, some just for sex and some for friendship.

      Understanding who might be interested and looking for that type of woman helped. Learning from the failed relationships has helped too – you really can play the field if you want but I can’t deal with psychodramas, so I leave that out.

      My woman did my astrology chart and a love chart. Very good fun. I broke down her analysis to: “So, we should fuck and work on our relationship if we want to stay together?” That was it.

      I actually only met here because she was coming to town and had a fun profile pic. She lived in the wrong place and had a whole list of things I normally say no to but we bonded over punk, Swallow the Sun and Oranssi Pazuzu, health foods and beer. She’s a metal baby but funky enough. I was going to meet her and go back to work. Five hours later…we were arranging our second date.

      It’s early days yet, but she’s the first woman I really felt would understand my children. That she got my youngest son horseback riding is no mean feat.

      There’s hope for us all.

      • Good luck! I can’t imagine anyone bonding with my boy, the last candidate came round for a coffee, swallowed it wrongly and started coughing – Sam says: “Mwahaha! That’ll be the arsenic then!!”

    • I think my problem is that I’m pretty independent and men my age don’t seem to like that – I would have thought it was an asset. But what do I know. And they largely fall into two camps, either fat and bald with a beer belly and a profile picture that’s upside down, or lean and smarmy with some sort of sporty car in the background and lots of shots of luxury foreign holidays. Nutjobs are fine, that covers most of the people I know!

      • No sports cars or exotic location in my photos. Normal is good. One photo smiling, one serious, one shot showing my lack of beer gut. All local locations.

        My ex who wrote the novel is a university lecturer and has given up on Finnish men because they were intimidated by her. But she’s fun and playful – their loss.

        She was the only person who was initially prepared to agree with me that the driving force behind the terror attack in Turku wasn’t terrorism but mad male entitlement and misogyny. I still believe that. Jihad was just an excuse for his violence against women. Note. He only attacked men who attacked him but he targeted women and he he ran off rather than becoming a martyr once the fightback began.

  12. Hi Ali, I’ve never done a dating site, but back in my younger days, having gone back to Cornwall after university, I discovered that meeting people I found interesting was actually impossible, so I did a musical friendship thing in Select magazine and on Teletext’s Blue Suede Views (did anyone else used to read that every day, waiting for the letters on the screen to fill in when the signal was strong enough?).

    From the first I came across a person who turned out to be an exciting friend I still write to, but way too complicated deal with in real life, the second was a lovely man from Wales. After some musically and gothically intense communication, we finally met up, he brought his friend with him because he was scared of me. I ignored my penfriend and, reader ended up marrying that morale boosting friend. I already had a boyfriend at the time and it was quite out of the blue, but my penfriend was our best man so, you know I hope he’s forgiven me for being fascinated by his companion for the evening.

    here’s a Prince video, because they’re putting them up officially now and I love him still.

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